Santa is dead

A professional assassin infiltrated a compound believed to be owned by Kris Kringle, AKA Santa Claus, and went on a killing spree as he killed Mr. Kringle and all his little helpers. When asked why he would want to kill all the elves, the suspect responded with "It's not me, why does everyone always think it me?"

Officials are reporting the assassin, Martin Q Blank, was hired by Jules Winnfield to retrieve his wallet and "Kill every last motherf*ckin' one of them little bastards". Mr. Winnfield alleges that St. Nick and his elves stole his favorite wallet. When asked what was so special about the wallet, he said the outside of it read "Bad Mother F*cker"

Many feel that Winnfield and his employer, Marcellus Wallace, both hired Blank for the job. Further research into the motive for the hit revealed that Kringle was caught giving Mrs. Wallace a foot massage last Christmas Eve. Kringle has gone on record as saying "I'm the foot f*ckin' master." when asked how is technique was, "Sh*t yeah. I got my technique down and everything, I don't be ticklin' or nothin'."

The murder comes on the heals of a federal investigation after it was leaked out Santa was paying his elves below the federal minimum wage. He had always maintained many families leave tips for them during Christmas and they make a fair wage with the additional monies. Mr.Pink, who paid for Blank's bail with uncut diamonds, had the following to say "I'm very sorry the government taxes their tips, that's fucked up. That ain't my fault. It would seem to me that elves are one of the many groups the government f*cks in the *ss on a regular basis. Look, if you ask me to sign something that says the government shouldn't do that, I'll sign it, put it to a vote, I'll vote for it, but what I won't do is play ball. And as for this non-college bullsh*t I got two words for that: learn to f*ckin' type, 'cause if you're expecting me to help out with the rent you're in for a big f*ckin' surprise."