Old school

I was reminded today of the fun I used to have on this site when it comes to my randomness, saltiness, and creativity. So today I revert to my older ways in hopes to offend someone--particularly those who have mullets.

To say that the mullet is a hairstyle barely even scratches the surface of the issue. The mullet is a way of life, it is a state of mind, it is every person who wears it. Physically it is characterized by short hair on the top, front, and sides of the head, followed by a long drape of hair on the back, reaching at least to the middle of the spine. Typical accessories to the mullet include moustaches, scraggly beards and/or goatees, and sunglasses. Research on the mullet phenomena, at this stage, is still in its infancy. However it is suggested by many top laboratories that the mullet, as it slowly reaches maturity, begins to grow tentacles into the brain of the victim. which affect several areas of the brain and fundamentally alter the candidate's actions and behavioural responses. Said behavioural changes mainly include extreme agression, the proclivity to consume large amounts of alcohol, pedophilia, lack of hygeine, dramatic reduction in inhibitions (often bolstered by the consumption of alcohol), sense of paranoia and distrust towards authority/governmental figures, and most importantly - steadily decreasing IQ levels. I would stress that these are only preliminary details however, and the controversial nature of the theory renders it unsuitable for mass publication.

Now, why would any human being willingly decide, of their own freewill, to wear the mullet? Well, let us not discount the many advantages of the hairstyle. It is widely known that the instance of the mullet in any given area is inversely proportional to average annual income. There is little to no maintenance required to preserve the mullet, and the costs involved are much lower than that of most other hairstyles. Subjects need not even wash the mullet for long periods of time, nor groom it in the morning, though many do meticulously attend to their mullet as an issue of pride and beauty - still the costs are indeed negligible. Also the mullet insulates the subject's neck, keeping him or her warm through the cold winter nights. The other important advantage of the mullet is that it offers it's host the freedom of both worlds of work and leisure. The subject appears to be a normal human being from the front, unencumbered by long hair over the face, and also appears to be a "party animal" from behind, with the long flowing locks. Hence, the "business in the front, party in the back" mentality. One is free to be taken seriously in the world of work, and, when the opportunity arises, is also free to "let loose" and "go wild - ape style." But let us get to the harsh reality of the mullet. It looks horrible, I cannot stress that enough. Wearing a mullet makes you look like a complete and total fool, and instantly makes you much poorer and less intelligent. I mean, there must be a sad lack of intelligence and self-worth to begin with if a person is to decide to grow a mullet. Hey! Do something about that mullet! It looks so fucking stupid! Get your ass to the barber's shop and tell him you're sick of lookin' like an asshole!