Thursday, May 31, 2007

Highlander

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to
continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a
species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply
pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and
splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one
immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are
tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I
have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive
long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern
candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is
misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost
invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare
occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the
species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the
strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat
this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it
to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ
17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use
this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon
for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this
"grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand
tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the
True Champion.

There can be only one.

9 Comments:

Blogger Buchanandale said...

Oh my Chad, I am not even really sure as to what to even think about this whole M&M tournament. I have been criticized in the past because I segregate my M&Ms before consumption. Maybe I should use the field of battle to determine the order in which the M&Ms are eaten. Hey, thanks for the idea.

4:55 AM  
Blogger E-pu said...

even though it's worded well I have found a flaw to your testing, and a reason why m&ms don't get any stronger. You send them the one that is still whole at the end. This doesn't mean it is the strongest. The one that makes it through the most rounds would be the strongest. If the one at the end goes through 1 round and beats the 1 that went through lets say 5 rounds does that mean that it is the toughest? No, it may have only beat that 1 and been crushed on the very next round. I think for this next tournament you need to record every one, and not eat any until they are all put to the test to find the true champion.

5:46 AM  
Blogger Steve! said...

Next time make a bracket.

Once you find the "strongest" M&M, I would buy a bag of skittles. That would be some crazy shit, the strongest M&M -vs- the strongest Skittle.

--Taste the rainbow bitches.

6:49 AM  
Blogger Happy Mutant said...

Jackal-Anytime. Remember the old MM commercial where the baseball playing picked a type of hit based on color of MM. Green=grounder, blue=pop up, red=HR

EPU-Think of it as a sort of king of the hill thing. You have one guy on the top of the hill, and he takes out 15 people who are trying to take him out. Then comes the 16th guy and he takes out the current king. Who is king now? Surely not the one who just got their ass worked. Last one standing always wins.

Steve-"Taste the rainbow bitches" that line should make the blogging hall of fame.

11:22 AM  
Blogger E-pu said...

Steve-Want to know how I know you're gay? You said "TASTE the rainbow."

2:21 PM  
Blogger Steve! said...

Well since everyone in La Crosse thinks that I am gay.... WTF, is up with that?

4:53 PM  
Blogger Happy Mutant said...

It's written on a big neon sign that flashes above your head. You may not be able to see it, but the rest of us can.

9:40 PM  
Blogger Steve! said...

I hate this place

1:31 AM  
Blogger E-pu said...

steve-at least you don't have
a giant blimp over your head like chad. After all it's he who spends an exciting evening at home alone with a bag of M&Ms having a tournament.

9:58 AM  

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